The Story of my Tattoo

“Charlie… I want to thank you.”
“Why?” I said.
“Because it has been a wonderful experience teaching you.”
“Oh… I’m glad.” I didn’t know what else to say.
Then, Bill took this really long pause, and his voice sounded like my dad when he wants to have a big talk.
“Charlie,” He said, “Do you know why I gave you all that extra work?”
I shook my head no. That look on his face. It made me quiet.
“Charlie, do you know how smart you are?”
I just shook my head no again. He was talking for real. It was strange.
“Charlie, you’re one of the most gifted people I’ve ever known. And I don’t mean in terms of my other students. I mean in terms of anyone I’ve ever met.”
(The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

This section of text is highlighted in my copy. Next, to it in black pen, I wrote, “I love you.” I bought it to leave in his casket, but changed my mind at the last minute and don’t really know why.

Charlie was my cousin. To be accurate, Charlie was my dad’s cousin’s son. He was six years my junior and my little brother’s best friend growing up. He was like a little brother to me. A few years before he died, I found his livejournal and we bonded on an intellectual level. I told him to read that book and he did and he loved it. I knew I could always look to him for recommendations on new things to read or music to listen to. He really was one of the most gifted people I’ve ever known. He wanted to be a writer, and I believed in him. He really admired me and I don’t really understand why. He loved me for no reason. Maybe I deserved that. Maybe I didn’t.

Charlie asked me repeatedly in the fall of 2007 into the winter if he could come stay with me for awhile. I told him to wait until spring. He died of an accidental overdose on the first day of spring, 2008.

Spring is my favorite time of year, but that day – the first day of spring – I think it’s going to hurt for awhile. I remember feeling so victorious having survived another terrible winter – and then the call came that he was dead. Guilt. It’s been a year since his death and this anniversary is turning out to be very difficult. I miss him. I wish things were different. I wish we’d both made much different decisions.

Well, let the poets cry themselves to sleep
And all their tearful words will turn back into steam

But me I’m a single cell
On a serpents tongue
There’s a muddy field where a garden was
And I’m glad you got away
But I’m still stuck out here
My clothes are soaking wet
From your brother’s tears

And I never thought this life was possible
You’re the yellow bird that I’ve been waiting for
(Bright Eyes – Poison Oak)

The tattoo above — my first — was drawn by Cassy Warren. The yellow bird is a reference to the song above and to their song, “We are Nowhere and It’s Now”. I believe the yellow bird is a reference to Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood, in which a character describes having a life filled with pain and suffering until a yellow bird comes and carries him to paradise. My Charlie definitely endured his share of abuse and suffering and I am glad for him that he is free of that.

The text is from the same book I mentioned above. The character Charlie ends one of his letters with, “And in that moment, I swear were were infinite.”

And we were.

Charles Scott Szuber
August 3rd, 1989 – March 20th, 2008
I love you, infinitely.

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